wellness

"Hangovers last two days now": 30 things you know to be true if you're suddenly 30.

Here are 30 sad (but real) facts about being over the hill. And the sun setting quickly behind it…

Goodbye youth. Goodbye elasticity. Goodbye anyone under 25 – you’re annoying.

1. You ask your parents for ‘house things’ for Christmas and birthdays. Oooh, a wok; just want I’ve always wanted! (Legitimately)

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2. Anything above the knee is carefully considered before purchasing.

3. Anything tight-fitting must be tried on before purchase. Actually, just don’t purchase it; it’s better this way.

4. Your weekends are planned around how much downtime you’re going to get. If planned at all.

5. You listen to the news on your drive to work.

6. After watching Cheer on Netflix, you mourn the loss of your youthful flexibility and risk-averse attitude. I can barely touch my toes, and even that is a risky exercise. Did my hamstrings just snap?

7. Hangovers last two days now. At minimum.

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8. You go to bed earlier. Like way earlier. Like 8 p.m. (as soon as the sun is mildly out of sight, it’s acceptable).

9. Because beauty sleep is an actual thing.

10. You’re happy if plans get cancelled. In fact, you rarely commit to plans.

11. You read the maternity leave policy at work. Just in case.

12. Anyone under 25 annoys you.

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13. Anyone 18 and under is always ‘12’ and should be in bed by now.

14. The volume at the movies is too loud. Like come on Hoyts, the screen is already too close for my eyes. Turn it down a decibel.

15. You opt for a one-piece rather than those itty bitty bikinis that show what you had for breakfast. But seriously when did a front G-string (or G-string bathers in any form) become cool?

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16. You never leave the house without a coat.

17. You want to offer girls your coat on a night out.

18. Your eyebrows can wait.

19. You slowly start to fall behind on social media platforms. Tik Tok, is that a biscuit or a Ke$ha song?

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20. Prospective date candidates are weighted more on their ability to sustain a family long term then sustain in the bedroom. They may look like Brad Pitt, but would they be a good dad?

21. Plants are an exciting purchase.

22. As are vacuums. Especially Dysons (after you’ve saved for one for two months. Unless you got it for Christmas, lucky you! Can I have it?)

23. Two espresso martinis keep you up all night (and this is not your wish) and basically give you a heart attack.

24. Saving (and your lack of funds) becomes an actual important and pressing issue. 

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25. You say “I hope I wasn’t that annoying when I was their age” to your friends about a bunch of 18-year-olds. In no clothes. At the bar. When they should be in bed.

26. You keep clothes for your yet-to-be-born (and conceived) daughter because you think it will be cool again one day.

27. If it rains and you’re supposed to go out, you’d better stay in instead.

28. Pottering around the house constitutes an actual weekend activity. 

29. Festivals are legitimately the stuff of nightmares.

30. It stops at 30. Sorry. 

Thirty-somethings, is there anything you’d add to the list? Tell us in the comments.

Feature image: Supplied.

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