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Like, ZOMG. Bill Shorten wants 16 year old Aussies to vote.

What were you doing when you were 16?

Learning Pythagoras’ Theorem ? Pashing boys on the school bus? Convincing your parents to let you get your bellybutton pierced? What about the deciding the future of your nation?

Opposition leader Bill Shorten is dangerously close to falling victim of furious pubescent wrath as he tells 16 year old Aussie kids that not only do they have to clean their room, and finish their homework – now they have to VOTE, too.

Muuum!

Just when we thought ‘kids these days’ were getting too much freedom (seriously, how do they all have iPhones? Is pocket money now on par with the minimum wage?), Bill Shorten is ready to take it a step further with his proposal to allow 16 and 17 year old kids to vote.

“The worst outcome for our country would be for young Australians like you to lose faith in the power of our democracy to change our nation for the better.” says Shorten.

“Parliaments have to trust the people they serve. This is why I want Australia to think about lowering the voting age, to give more young Australians a say.”

*Crickets*

Behold, the future leaders of our nation.

Let’s workshop the idea a little more, shall we? Here’s our top five reasons 16 year old voters might not be the best idea.

They can’t make decisions.

With all due respect, 16 year old decision making abilities are generally limited to carving ‘Yes’ into one side of an eraser and ‘No’ into the other, colouring it in with blue pen, and then flipping it onto the floor. And as someone who used this method to decide if I should use Crayola crimping scissors to cut myself a fringe in Grade 9, I really need to warn everyone against the consequences.

They won’t eat the sausage sizzle.

Things that teenage girls don’t do in the presence of teenage boys? Scoffing a dirty sausage sizzle, obviously. Risks include:

A. Getting mustard on your face, then having mum lick her finger to wipe it off – and someone seeing.

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B. Revealing to the opposite sex that you actually eat food.

They already sit too many tests.

We’re going to have lines out the front of the voting stations, full of the harrowed faces of HSC-weary high school students with carefully prepared packs of State-approved pens, calculators, and protractors; girding their loins for yet another Life Changing Exam.

They need to check with their friends first.

Voting for anything as a teen generally involves making sure your opinion is aligned with your BFF’s, because we all know that there’s safety in numbers. [I found this out when I performed Liza Minelli’s ‘Cabaret’ for our high school talent quest, whilst the popular girls gyrated to a Pussycat Girls soundtrack in crop tops. Shoulda done some A/B testing before launching into that one.]

“Do the voting booths have WIFI?”

They have nothing to wear.

When teens catch wind of the fact that they will be gathered en masse with other teens, all hell breaks loose. What will they wear? What if their ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend turns up? What if they see their super embarrassing and daggy parents? WHAT WILL THEY WEAR?

So there you go, Bill Shorten.

Gird your loins for the onslaught of sullen teens being made to get out of bed early on the weekend.

Be ready to bribe them with promises of belly button piercings and extended curfews, rather than tax cuts, child care rebates and negative gearing.

And think very hard about whether you’ll be able to secure pre-selection for Justin Bieber. #YOLO

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